We all seek connection with at least some humans around us. But this can be tricky for neurodivergent folks. Here’s a look at how my ADHD has ruined friendships:
I forget people exist. Not because I don’t care, but my mind is wired for outta sight-outta mind. It’s not that I don’t want to keep in touch, I just forget. It’s not personal; I forget my parents exist sometimes.
I blurt things I shouldn’t say. I think I’m being funny, or I spill a confidence, or I over-share. I get impassioned about issues (another ADHD trait) which can come off as preachy or attacking.
Love-bombing. Giving gifts and acts of service are my love languages, but too much can push people’s boundaries or feel intrusive.
I talk about myself a lot. I show empathy by telling you I went through something similar. I’m not “making it about me”, it’s just the way my brain makes connections and expresses my care for you.
I am too much. I don’t shut up. I have too many feelings. It’s off-putting.
I communicate differently. I HATE phone calls. Texting or in person? Great. Friends who are phone-talkers never get much out of me.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. A big ND trait. Perceived slights make me feel like a constant outcast. When I mess up, I spend years assuming you hate me for it.
This is not an exhaustive list. Nor is everything on this list specific to ND folks only. Do I have answers? Nope. But I do have some thoughts:
Find your people. There are people out there who think and communicate LIKE YOU. You won’t have to mask with them and it’ll be glorious.
Enough of this “online friends aren’t real friends” BS. If you have people in your life who know and support you, it doesn’t matter if you’ve met IRL. Some of us simply aren’t near our people.
Be open. I know this isn’t possible for everyone (activate Justice Rage), but if you can be open with loved ones about your struggles, I hope they’d work with you. Code words for when they need a break. A schedule for communication. Switching to texts to talk. Etc.
Be okay knowing you won’t connect with some people. It doesn’t make either of you bad people. Sometimes the divide is just too big for deep connection.